Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Woman.......a dream....a promise or a farce???

In my life till now, it has been a woman, who has given me the most, but strangely enough, its again a woman who has also taken away the most!!!!!.......so what do I call a woman...an infidel, a cheat; or epitome of love, a reassurance!!, or just a dream, that only promises, but never delivers?????

My first impressions of a woman has been my mother, a quiet lady, who has stood by me through all that I have gone through in life. When I was a young brat & a difficult child to manage, she would keep me engaged with lovely stories & developmental activities. She would quietly but firmly manage to absorb the anger of my father from blowing me over. She would treat me to the best of the dishes, & manage me & my tantrums. She would be a good listener & then give proper advice. She would always be encouraging & believed that I could achieve my dreams. She would pamper me no ends, but would point out, whenever I crossed the line. I could easily confide in her, in almost everything that I would do.
I left home early in life, just after school, as I had got into a tiff with my father (incidentally over a woman, whom I loved!!)
Having come over to an alien city to face the tryst of life, I struggled to get a foothold. Those were real challenging years. Through all these troubled times, my mother stood firm & kept encouraging me to move ahead....to move on.....
As a lady, she has patiently stitched our lives & kept the family close. She speaks less & listens more, but still manages to give a sparkling smile, an assuring nod..........Having survived a near fatal paralytic attack, & serious diabetes, today, as she takes on life, ever smilingly, at the ripe age of 80 yrs, she still teaches me to smile & move on.......not allowing anything to bog down......Could there be anyone like her....ever????

My first serious love was when I was in high school. It lasted around two years.........I guess lovely two years, when dreams & music kept our company, & nothing else mattered. But she succumbed to a fatal disease & left us all.......numb with pain & grief. Too young to handle such a situation, I was left insane. Life just felt like snuffed out. It took me many years to recover from the grief, & I guess, even today, I have not been able to completely erase the pain of that separation. Even today, she comes in my dreams, gently telling me to believe in LOVE....

Over the years, I did have a few flings, but nothing serious emerged. Memories of my school love kept me away from serious commitment. However, some years later, I allowed a girl to come close. She was going through a low in her life & she turned to me for support & love. Our common friends also added to the pressure & I started giving her time & attention. Just out of college, I was working on building my career, & they were struggling years for me. She hailed from an extremely rich family & was very emotional & temparamental......too many mood swings & tantrums. She was madly in love with me.........I guess she was too carried away by my free flowing lifestyle.....the carefree attitude......the adventurous world of mine. Though, I did not exactly love her, I thought, we could build a life together & was willing to give the relationship a chance. But, just when everything seemed to be falling into place & I was looking forward to a home finally, the world came crashing down......She did something unpardonable. This led to serious disagreement & we split. Friends, families, et all, added to the spice & suddenly I was all alone.......again!!!! Overnight, the whole world seemed to be my enemy & I was at the receiving end of all the blame. Except for my mother & a couple of my friends, I was the villian. Almost everyone, was taking potshots at me........life was dark & lonely & desolate. Why does love turn into hatred.........so very easily??????

Destiny had more in store for me. There was this girl, who came into my life. She would remind me of my first love.....we hit off instantly, & against all odds, started dating. We would feel amazingly drawn towards each other & felt, that life had finally come to terms with us. We both had come through tough times, & looked forward to a happy union. This was my woman........I thought. We had almost everything in similar, except that she was a good dancer & I could not dance to save my life & I was a fabulous driver, while she was scared to death to drive. She was a faboulous cook & an extremely talented singer. She had the most endearing pair of eyes, & a lovely smile. Politely plump, she was always so much fun to be with.
She got me into a community serving organisation, & I gave up my job to get into it full time. We became instructors together, & plunged into serving the society. Both of us felt the cause appealing enough to invest ourselves. We would be in different locations, but, the love kept us together. We would meet, whenever we could & shared our experiences. While, I had started to dream about settling down, Life was actually flattering to deceive.
She had her share of trauma from the past & would slip into feelings of insecurity once in a while. I tried providing her with all support I could, but I guess, I was never good at understanding a woman. Looking for that elusive love everywhere, she slipped......and she slipped big time. She did something that killed me from within. Out of fear she started keeping away from me, but kept slipping further down. In an attempt to hide, she lied to me, but, as fate would have it, the bitter truth came out. People around her did not help her cause & she went through a serious low. I watched almost helplessly as we started to drift away. She would be off contact for months, as I experienced a slow death of emotions within me. Finally the whole thing exploded out in the open & she had nowhere to go. People on whom she had trusted or expected support from, simply left her alone. I was under severe pressure from common friends to completely remove her from my life. My love for her was probably deeper & thicker than my anger on what she had done. Despite having to face people & their smirks & caustic remarks, I stood by her in support through all this & we finally had to meet Guruji for His counselling & support. Guess Love prevailed. Guruji wanted us to settle down immediately, but she could not muster enough courage to do so. In her effort to come back on track, she immersed herself completely into community service work in the remotes.......or so I thought!!!.....if I were to believe my well wishers, she has been making a mockery of our relationship.....For me Trust, is the backbone of any relationship, & she has floundered it time & again....I am not sure our relationship is going anywhere. Though we keep talking regularly, I am not sure, this will culminate in a settled relationship. Both of us have enormous egos, something, that has not helped our cause at all. I dont know, how & why a woman would do so,....it is simply unbelievable......but then, reality says it otherwise...is it a case of split personality ???......or are today's women like this ????....
Frankly, as of now, I am far too pained & bruised to look at settling down. I have more reasons to doubt, than trust a woman.......something I never thought I would do.

And now very recently, someone close to me has gone though an almost similar situation. This boy, who has loved his girlfriend dearly, stood by her through all thick & thin had to bear the pain of knowing how she has let him down. The glitz & the glamour blanking her out. This inspite of him warning her, this despite me cautioning her. However, the silver lining is that, she gathered courage to speak out the truth to him & he in his mad love for her has accepted her with everything. I only hope they come closer to each other & for good. I wish them all the success in life. But, my faith in woman has only gone down!!!!!
As I look around, I see many happy couples.......but in my mind, I doubt, whether there is true happiness???, whether there is true commitment????, or is it all a big farce!!!!!!!!

My experiences with women have ranged from comic to horrific, from outrageous to unbelieveable, from soothing to painful, & from bold to bizzarre !!!!!!

As for me, I seem to be one of destiny's favourite whipping child..........a desire for a home, only keeps taking me away from it, just when it is round the corner. Love, that keeps showing up, only to disappear.......maybe just prodding me, only to elude......and I continue, never giving up.....doing my bit & waiting for my turn to come.

As Robert Frost has said,
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep............."

So I keep the promise to live & smile & serve & hope. There are people, who look to me for inspiration. They look at me for support. They look at me with admiration & awe & quote me as an example. Little do they realise, how much bruised & battered I am from within.
I would never have written all this, but the burden & the experience of pain over the years has been just too much to handle & I needed to open up somewhere.

Question is, When will I get my home???? When will I get to sleep????? When will I meet real Love?????

Any views????........My question is open to all who would read this article........maybe one of you has the answer..........

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Biprashish,
I find a common thread running through all the incident you have mentioned.If you close your eyes,see each person that has entered ur life,u might find a negative emotion.It might be fear,insecurity,lonliness,anxity,doubt,anger,saddness,etc.When u identify this emotion withen u,trace it back to the first time u felt it.our brain tends to catch hold of this emotion and superimpose it on every relationship.so the next obvious step is to surrender it to ur guru.Believe me it will never bother u again and u will meet everyone as a new person.There r hundreds of people waiting to find true love,but 4 that u have to be true to urself and love urself first.meaning do things that will keep u lively and happy,only then u will attract happiness and love.
Best of luck.
Ishall pray 4 u

Anonymous said...

In case whatever you have written is true, then you have enormous patience my friend. Men normally dont exhibit this kind of patience.
I wish you come across someone who fills you with love.

Paromita said...

Hey Dude,
I have been reading your blogs regularly & I think you are a wonderful person. Frankly I am yet to come across a man with so much depth in feelings & expressions.
I dont think you have met the woman of your life as yet. It is indeed sad that you had to undergo such emotional turmoils. But you seem to withhold from socialising or meeting people, especially women, which is not good. Am quite sure, you will find a girl who will love you insanely & keep you happy.
Best wishes,
Paromita

Anonymous said...

The more I read your blog, the more I am in love with you....I can just close my eyes & dream of you & me, singing in rain & making love. Will you marry me please????
Pls reply...eagerly waiting....

Anonymous said...

Sir u rock ... Knowing all that uve gone through inspires an awe from me ... ive started looking up2U more than i ever did. Abhishek